I started by googling “fertility chart”. Oh. My. God. It took about 2.5 seconds for me to get completely overwhelmed. There are codes, directions on how and when to take your temperature, descriptions of cervical position and mucous, and all sorts of sticks you can pee on.

I realize that’s small and hard to read, but yes they really are referring to intercourse as a “baby dance”, or BD for short.

After spending almost an hour reading about basal body temperatures, I was so annoyed I was ready to shove a thermometer in my eye. You need to take your temperature first thing in the morning, before you get out of bed, and ideally before you “move around too much in bed”. Umm, am I allowed to at least stretch and reach for the thermometer on my nightstand? Or should I sleep with it in my hand so I can use it as soon as I become alert enough to stick it in my ear?

Yes, my ear. We already own a perfectly suitable, gives a temp to the tenth degree, mercury ear thermometer. I am not buying a $10 “basal body thermometer” which is basically the same damn thing. And furthermore, I am not sticking a thermometer up my hooha every morning.

Nor will I be testing my cervical mucous and position. I am not touching my cervix every day. I repeat, not.

When Jerrad was looking online for bulk pregnancy tests (best.husband.ever.), he found some that come with ovulation predictor kits. Nifty little things that you can pee on that will tell you when to go do it because you are getting ready to ovulate in the next day or so.

So, when I read that your temperature goes up after you ovulate – as in, too late to get pregnant – I wondered why in the hell would I want to chart my temp and feel my cervix every day when by the time I notice a change it’s too late? And when I can just pee on a stick that will tell me the same damn thing?

Actually, my point is, we’ve been using a form of Natural Family Planning as birth control for a while now. So, first off, I really don’t need to start charting to learn my patterns, because I already know them pretty well. Secondly, my ob/gyn is only giving us 6 months of trying before a referral to a fertility specialist. I think the fertility chart is more for my doctor so she can see the patterns and more easily be able to determine what’s going on.

Which is why I’m going to go ahead and do the damn thing. Minus the touching my cervix part.