The light at the end of the tunnel

Ok, NOW I see it.

Since I’ve always tended to define my self-worth by my accomplishments, losing a job, not being able to get pregnant and feeling like a failure as a wife and mother really did a number on my self-esteem.

I’ve learned some hard lessons about friendship in this last year and a half or so, too.  I’ve learned that being used and lied to, and cast aside when your usefulness has run out isn’t a phenomenon exclusive to romantic relationships.

I’ve learned that being the only one consistently investing the time and energy into nurturing a friendship makes me feel really bad about myself.

I’ve learned that cliques and drama are alive and well outside of high school.

I felt like we were trapped, far away from accomplishing our goals and that I was doing little to help, and much to keep us stuck.

I couldn’t even enjoy being lucky enough to finally not have to work because I was so worried about everything all the time.  I knew I needed to be doing things differently, thinking about them differently, but I couldn’t figure out how.

The tunnel seemed to be particularly long.  With lots of curves.  And fog.  I think there may have been bats.

I’m not entirely sure why I can see the light now.  I think it’s because I’m finally ready to let go of some things. I’m not a social worker anymore.  That part of my life is over, and it’s ok.

I would say it’s time to figure out who I am now, but actually it’s time to figure out who I am period.

It feels like I’ve spent my life running full speed ahead towards goal after goal, working long hours, pouring energy into this or that doomed relationship, just… going.  Not stopping to think, ponder, feel, or rest.

Now I have all the time in the world, and I’m not going to waste any more of it.