Stop Teasing Me

You’re killing me Fertility Friend. Killing me.

According to everything I’ve read, even if you have one of those super fancy highly sensitive early pregnancy tests, you still shouldn’t test until the day before you expect your period. At the earliest. If you test too early, it’s likely you will get a negative, even if you are actually pregnant. Which is disappointing. Not to mention expensive if you keep testing too early every month.

Wednesday is day 28, and I almost always get my period between 8am and 12pm on day 28. Seriously, it’s that regular.

That means I shouldn’t test until Tuesday, which still might be too early. Meanwhile, today FF decided to tell me they are detecting early pregnancy signs on my chart. Which is awesome unless they are big fat liars.

The napping has continued in full force, and two nights this week I slept 10 hours when I usually sleep 6 or 7. The house is a mess and I have zero energy to do anything about it other than read blogs, watch TV, and comment on how dirty the house is.

I’m pretty sure aliens are sneaking into our bedroom at night and scooping out my brain cells with a spoon. I feel like I’ve lost about 20 IQ points in the last few days. I’m forgetting things, messing up words when I talk, and sending my husband to the store to buy things I’ve already bought.

I guess I should say that the reason FF is detecting early pregnancy signs today is because today is the first day I entered them. There are so many screens on that site and I ignore half of them because they don’t apply to me.

Anyway, this morning I woke up at 6 and had to pee really bad. So I decided to take my temp then, even though it was about an hour earlier than usual, because I’m pretty sure using the potty counts as “getting up and moving around”. I was really tired and planning to go back to sleep and also didn’t want to turn the light on and wake my husband up, so I took my temp and turned off the thermometer without even looking at it. It saves the last temp you took so I knew when I woke up for reals I could check it and put it in the chart.

Of course, I couldn’t fall back asleep, so half an hour later I just got up and entered the temp without really paying attention whether it was close to my other recent temps. My chart got all excited and put a big circle around the temp and called it a potential implantation dip because it was much lower than usual and occurred 10 days past ovulation. Then my pregnancy monitor, which previously had been blank, opened up a bunch of fields, and gave me this green ticker thing that said I had 35 points.

Fortunately there was also a “what’s this?” button because I had no idea what the hell was going on. Apparently there is a whole screen of symptoms that I’ve been ignoring. In my defense, there’s a lot to read on that site and information overload comes on quickly. Especially when you have less brain cells to work with because aliens are stealing them.

The last two days I’ve been feeling decidedly not pregnant because the symptoms I’m having are almost identical to PMS. Fatigue, irritability, headache, backache, and sore boobs. My weight even went up about 2 pounds yesterday which I chalked up to PMS bloating. Instead of the thousand extra calories I consumed the night before having a big ol pile of BBQ with a giant Sprite. Which was a poor substitute for the beer I really wanted.

Hey, that was the last Friday I get to eat meat for like 6 weeks. I was doing it up.

So this time I actually read the instructions, imagine that, and they tell you to just enter your symptoms without overanalyzing everything. They don’t know me very well. Overanalyzing is what I do best.

For some reason, cervical fluid was on there, too. I had quit reading all about that as soon as I decided I wasn’t sticking my finger up my hooha every day and I sure as hell wasn’t sticking it up there far enough to check my cervical position. I did remember reading something about how some women check their fluid by what they see in their underwear, and then they can sniff it as a way of determining what type it is.

Excuse me? First of all, I don’t need to sniff my underwear to know I smell like roses. And second of all, since I rarely leave the house, I live in pajamas. Who wears underwear with pajamas?

But then I saw a section that some women just before and during implantation have gushes of cervical fluid. Ok, so that’s totally been happening to me the last day or two. It happened so much yesterday when we went to see Twilight that I almost went to the bathroom because I thought I was having my period super early. Then when we got home, I gave in and smelled my underwear since I was actually wearing some. And, just as I thought… roses.

Anyway, the pregnancy monitor really liked that, and by the time I was done entering everything my score was 50. But. This could still just as likely be PMS with a healthy dose of caffeine withdrawal. That explains everything, too.

Tuesday is like forever away.

PS. Even super awesome men like my husband just don’t get Twilight. He was a sport and went with me to see it yesterday. And to his credit he only looked like he wished he was dead once or twice.

J: What I don’t get, is if he’s immortal, why would he be messing with some ordinary high school girl? Why wouldn’t he just be with some hot stripper or something?

Me: Exactly! That’s why it’s so romantic. He wants her, because she’s his soulmate and he’s been waiting like 80 years for her.

J: blank stare

Me: Men just don’t get this movie.

UPDATE: Ok, I seriously need my brain cells back because now I can’t even count. Tuesday is day 28, not Wednesday. Which makes test day Monday – tomorrow.