I Just Want to Pee on a Stick Already

I thought that giving up things I like that are bad for babies, getting used to waking up the same time every day to take my temperature, learning how to do fertility charting, and trying to “time” intercourse were the hardest parts about trying to get pregnant. Turns out the hardest part is waiting for it to be time to take a pregnancy test.

The rest of it is so much easier than I thought it would be. Thanks to the site I’m using for fertility charting, I don’t need to do anything other than enter my temp, my test results, and when we do it, and it does everything else for me. Including analysis of my chart and various types of alerts. It even gave us a high score on intercourse.

I’m going to assume that was for timing, not technique, or else this website is way up in my business.

I seem to have acquired an internal alarm clock that wakes me up at almost exactly the same time every day to take my temp, even on weekends when my husband’s alarm isn’t set.

I don’t even miss alcohol all that much. Stop laughing, it’s true. I’ve realized it was more of a habit to have a drink or two every night than anything else. Although I did cheat a little, tiny bit. I had one glass of white wine with dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Which reminds me, I should really find out if Communion wine is a big deal. I mean, it’s just one tiny sip once a week. And well, Jesus kind of sticks in the throat if you don’t have something to drink.

I knew my biggest challenge going in would be caffeine, but even that’s been easier than I thought. I’ve gone from a double shot latte in the mornings and one to two servings of extra afternoon caffeine to one cup of coffee that is half regular coffee and half decaf. Plus, I gotta tell you, I’m sleeping like a baby now.

I’ve always been plagued by insomnia and frequently relied on drinks, benadryl, cold medicine, whathaveyou just to get some sleep. I don’t even need that stuff anymore. Which is good because I’m not really allowed to have any of it. And even if something is considered “safe”, I only want to take it if I’m say, actually sick. Even then I think I would consider toughing it out.

It’s not like I’m naive enough to think that I really am pregnant on our first month of trying. Especially given that I’m 35 and my ladyparts are known to be rather uncooperative. But I can’t help reading all this stuff about early pregnancy signs and analyzing every little thing, and hoping. Positive thinking is supposed to help, right?

According to my fertility chart, I’m on day 23 of my cycle, 7 days past conception, if it happened to occur, and at least 4 days away from taking a pregnancy test. Everything else looks picture perfect on my chart. My ovulation date was easily pinpointed (right before Valentine’s Day, awww), our intercourse was perfectly timed, and my temps are doing what they should.

Including dipping slightly today, which if I did conceive, is when the cute little embryo would be burrowing into the wall of my uterus. Probably saying, “Damn it fibroids, get the fuck up out of my way!”

I’m also having some cramping today, another symptom of implantation. But that could also just as easily be my cranky intestines protesting the chicken nacho salad concoction I had for lunch yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon, the last thing I remember was that it was 3 pm and I was just getting annoyed that A Haunting was a repeat again, then all of a sudden it was 5 pm, my husband was standing over me as I was curled up on the couch, drooling, snuggled under a blanket I don’t even remember reaching for.

Then it took me at least 45 minutes to pull together a dinner comprised almost entirely of leftovers because I kept forgetting what I was doing.

Was this the exhaustion and pregnancy brain that plagues the newly pregnant even though it’s too early for that? No, probably not, especially when the more likely explanation is that I’ve recently cut my caffeine consumption by almost three-fourths. How can that not affect your functioning?

But still. I’m looking at my expected due date if I did conceive this cycle and thinking about things. Things like how much it would rock not to have to fast on certain days during Lent because I’m pregnant, when I’ll have a cute pregnant belly, when I can buy maternity clothes, and best of all, when I’ll finally have me some big ol boobies.

My expected due date would be November 5. Umm, November’s full enough already between my husband’s birthday, my birthday, and our anniversary. Not to mention the holidays. Also, that would give us three Scorpios in the house. Yikes.

Still. I just want it to be time to pee on a stick already!