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Mrs. E
Mr. & Mrs. E
Jellydog
A Whole New World
After being sent home from the ob/gyn office with a temperature graph thingie, a pamphlet, and instructions to keep a fertility chart, I spent some time Friday afternoon online looking at conception and pregnancy sites.
I started by googling “fertility chart”. Oh. My. God. It took about 2.5 seconds for me to get completely overwhelmed. There are codes, directions on how and when to take your temperature, descriptions of cervical position and mucous, and all sorts of sticks you can pee on.
I realize that’s small and hard to read, but yes they really are referring to intercourse as a “baby dance”, or BD for short.
After spending almost an hour reading about basal body temperatures, I was so annoyed I was ready to shove a thermometer in my eye. You need to take your temperature first thing in the morning, before you get out of bed, and ideally before you “move around too much in bed”. Umm, am I allowed to at least stretch and reach for the thermometer on my nightstand? Or should I sleep with it in my hand so I can use it as soon as I become alert enough to stick it in my ear?
Yes, my ear. We already own a perfectly suitable, gives a temp to the tenth degree, mercury ear thermometer. I am not buying a $10 “basal body thermometer” which is basically the same damn thing. And furthermore, I am not sticking a thermometer up my hooha every morning.
Nor will I be testing my cervical mucous and position. I am not touching my cervix every day. I repeat, not.
When Jerrad was looking online for bulk pregnancy tests (best.husband.ever.), he found some that come with ovulation predictor kits. Nifty little things that you can pee on that will tell you when to go do it because you are getting ready to ovulate in the next day or so.
So, when I read that your temperature goes up after you ovulate – as in, too late to get pregnant – I wondered why in the hell would I want to chart my temp and feel my cervix every day when by the time I notice a change it’s too late? And when I can just pee on a stick that will tell me the same damn thing?
Actually, my point is, we’ve been using a form of Natural Family Planning as birth control for a while now. So, first off, I really don’t need to start charting to learn my patterns, because I already know them pretty well. Secondly, my ob/gyn is only giving us 6 months of trying before a referral to a fertility specialist. I think the fertility chart is more for my doctor so she can see the patterns and more easily be able to determine what’s going on.
Which is why I’m going to go ahead and do the damn thing. Minus the touching my cervix part.
Wow! Getting pregnant sounds like a lot of work! I think I may be too lazy to ever become a mom.
I know, right? Seems to me as long as we do it at least every other day, we should be fine
I’m sorry, but do it every day, at least twice a day for two months or until he runs out of sperm. If that doesn’t work, then something’s up. Your’re welcome.
OMGsh! I spelled you’re wrong!! Duh!
I read somewhere that doing it more than once a day isn’t good for his little swimmers. And like he said, “I’m not a machine!”
He better get with the program.
And Shawn, I will not tolerate spelling and grammatical errors on my blog
Keep it fun or it turns into “Seed Delivery”. Good luck! You could get a 3 minute miracle like I did
hahaha! 3 minute miracle? I assume you mean quickie
I was under the impression that Jared would be helping you touch/massage your cervix, you know, like with his penis. So going back to your last post, YES, it would just be like having a lot of sex. And then you’re happy, HE would be happy, and your doctor would be happy cause you were following instructions. EVERYBODY wins, Yay!
Jerrad, not Jared, sorry.
Well, if his penis can figure out if my cervix is in the high, medium, or low position, judge the consistency of my cervical mucous, AND write it all on the chart for me, I’d be game.
I like that the overwhelming consensus is to have a lot of sex.
I will forgive your spelling error because everyone spells his name wrong
Also, you guys are killing me with the anonymous comments. You know I’m trying to figure out who is who.
My junk is talented, but let’s be reasonable.
Of course the overwhelming consensus is to have a lot of sex, after all, that is the only part out of all of this that has any chance of actually getting you pregnant.
All the probes, pee-sticks, and cervical observations in the world will have a 0% chance of getting you knocked up, but one certain type of Latin dance might.
Like you said, checking your cervix/temp/fluid-levels/battery-amperage/brakepads/ect will only tell you that you *were* at your most fertile point. Charting all that down is great if you plan on trying for the next several months, that way you can then say, “I’ve been most fertile on the 27th day after the last day of my last menses.” But you already know from your own history, and basic biology that you are the most fertile a few days before your menses starts, so just plan on concentrating your efforts then, you know, the opposite of your previous efforts.
So yeah its Anonymous, but you’re a big girl, and can figure it out. Besides, it gives you something to work on if you really care.
And your forgiveness aside, I still feel like a bit of a tool, because I know how to spell it, but I’ve been reading ‘Collapse’ and the alternate spelling has been staring at the blind spot of my eyes from the top corner of every page, subliminally priming me to mess it up. Sorry again.
Ok–so as not to confuse, I only had the twice a day comment. WV
Oh, I know
The 3 minute miracle comment was Deb. The anonymous person who’s toying with me is in Eugene… so I’m narrowing it down.
I’ve been neglecting the blog and my comments this week so I haven’t been giving it much thought – but I’ll be posting later today.