Do you ever feel like you just can’t take one more thing?

After being a blogging fool for a while, I really haven’t written anything but the weight loss blogs for a few weeks.

Besides constant job stress and apparently getting dumped by a friend, I’ve got two family members back east that are very ill. One is my great-uncle, who I was close to when I lived back home. The other is my only living grandparent (my mom’s mom) who I am not at all close to because she is a giant bitch.

Well, growing up, I used to think she was just a giant bitch, after a little psych and social work experience I see she’s probably got at least one if not two or three personality disorders. That one’s probably harder to deal with because I feel like I should care that she might be dying. But I don’t.

There’s day to day wedding stuff that needs to get done that I have no time to do because I work 9 hours a day without even a break, let alone lunch.

Then the other day I noticed one of my fillings fell out, and I had to go to the dentist. Having a big needle stuck in your gums is always pleasant. I had a little mini-breakdown when that happened, and basically said, “That’s it, I’m full, I can’t take one more thing.”

I can only imagine how much harder this would all be if I didn’t have an incredibly supportive partner, and if I wasn’t working out and taking care of myself…

But the really big thing that’s weighing on me is the reason I’m going to the doctor today. I was planning to wait until after my appointment today to write this, but I want to get it out now.

Remember the blog where I talked about my cervix and having surgery for cervical cancer in 2004? Well my last biopsy was in February 2005. My doctor sent me off with a “Things look good, come back in a year for your annual.”

I never went back.

Why? Many reasons I guess.

Some practical, like job changes and times without health insurance, and letting the busy-ness of my life interfere with taking care of myself.

Also, I like to bury my head in the sand and pretend everything’s ok until the problem I’m avoiding actually bites me in the ass. Every once in a while I would think I should really make that appointment. But I didn’t.

Why am I going back now?

A few months ago, I was talking to someone at work who was adding a friend to the prayer list because she just got diagnosed with advanced cervical cancer. The only symptom the friend had was spotting.

I thought to myself I have spotting almost all the time. Especially when I’m ovulating or after sex. I even looked up those symptoms on WebMD and there they were, listed under “cervical cancer”.

But did I make the appointment? No. I waited another few weeks. Then last week during my period I was having really intense pain one particular night, that persisted for hours even after I took advil, tylenol, and alleve. It was so bad Jerrad asked if we should go to the emergency room. I of course said no, but I did listen when he suggested I finally make an appointment with my “lady doctor”.

My appointment is today at 2 pm. I’m feeling many things right now, from oh, it’s probably nothing, to being well, terrified.

It could be nothing, it could be something that affects my fertility, or it could be something that might kill me.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen today. It could be just a regular “annual”, which is never fun.

Or if she sees something worrisome, it could be a biopsy. I’ll spare you the details, but those are pretty painful.

So I’m scared and really, really pissed off too.

I’m pissed because this timing sucks.

I’m finally happy, and about to marry a guy who will be the best dad in the world and this isn’t fair to him either.

I’m pissed at myself for putting it off this long when I knew what the consequences could be.

I’d appreciate your prayers today. If you’re not down with Jesus, that’s cool – send me some good thoughts or vibes or whatever.

Tags: cervical cancer, Life, stress

This entry was posted by Cathy on Thursday, September 20th, 2007 at 2:50 pm and is filed under Life, My Stupid Uterus, Trying To Conceive. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.